At the end of 2013 I fell into depression. Even though it was not apparent it was there. Days went by that I hated life. I was sad even when I was happy. I couldn’t fully see joy in anything (except for my love). I felt fear of life, fear of death, fear of almost everything.
I had never really felt this kind of sadness before. It was so foreign to me and I just couldn’t see how to get out of it. Each day felt horrible to me. Well maybe not all day every day but each day I could feel darkness.
I had to make this stop. There was no way I could live this way. Not me. I’m a happy person who loves life! Especially since I just started a new relationship with my best friend. I did not want my depression to affect us.
So how did I become happy again?
-Acceptance-
I had to accept that I was depressed. I had to tell myself this was not normal. I had to say stop hating yourself and life because of the circumstances you are in. I had to look at my life and understand why I was falling apart. There were many factors to this; work, body issues, feeling like I had no where to call home, too much travel, lack of sense of self. I knew so much was happening all at once that I felt trapped in the negativity of it all instead of the blessings. My body felt completely ill. I felt alone and as soon as I understood this I knew my next step.
-Talk about it with important people-
I decided that if this continued into the new year I would seek counselling and in the meantime I had to tell my family. I sat down with both of my parents and told them I am feeling depressed. I asked them to not focus on anything I found negative. No comments about my body, my work, or my eating habits. Nothing. I let them know that if they said anything to me I would focus on it in the most negative way so to be careful what they talked about. I talked to two of my best friends about my situation which I found helpful since they both are so important to my day to day life. I, however, did not tell my boyfriend. I kind of regret this because I could of used his support but since our relationship was the only part of my life that seemed positive I did not want to ruin that by bringing negativity into it. After telling others where I was in life I begun my recovery.
-Starting small-
No way could I change everything all at once but I could change two things. The first and easiest way I could bring a little joy into my life was changing my appearance. Almost the day after I talked to my parents I got my dad to help me cut my hair. Now, we are no hair dressers but combined together my dad and I cut and colored my hair. This one small and simple event changed the way I saw myself. I could look in the mirror and see a glimpse of beauty. Something I had lost since gaining too much weight over the last year. Even with the slightly crooked hair cut and uneven hair color I could see a smile on my face that was different from my day to day smile.
My second step was to buy myself a 2013/14 agenda to write down everything I felt grateful for. This is one of the most important steps I took. Again, it was simple and small but it changed my mind set to seeing the joys and happiness of life.
I went to chapters on the way home from my parents up island and looked for an agenda that spoke to me. I needed something that would visually make my mind see love vs just something plain and boring. I found the perfect agenda from Orange Circle Studios. The cover has a picture of a typewriter with the paper saying “write it in your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” How amazing is that.
Since December 29, 2013 I’ve been writing all the things, people, places, feelings, adventures I’ve had from the day before so now I can look back see why I live such an amazing life. I’ve made it a habit to do this every day (except for this past week while traveling :S ).
Examples of what I’ve written; Feeling pretty, feeling happy, finding light, future planning, my love, my mom, being me, dallas road, laughter, London Fogs, my dad. Almost every post has something about my boyfriend, my best friends, my feelings, and something that happened the day before.
I knew this would be something that got my positive juices flowing again. It worked! I physically had to write out everything I’ve been blessed with. Now my mind and body feels & lives these daily blessings.
-MY PASSION, MY CAREER-
Over the last 10 years of my life I’ve been working for other people. I’ve been focusing on their dreams and not mine. I do not regret any of this but I wish I saw sooner and earlier in life that I had to start living my dreams. I’ve always known what I want to do. I can feel it in my bones. I want to be an entrepreneur working around the world bringing happiness and health to everyone I meet while helping them reach their goals.
Since my down fall of 2013 I’ve now realized that my dreams have to happen. To be able to love life and live it fully I need to work hard to make my own dreams come true. So since the beginning of January 2014 I’ve been focused on starting my life in the health and wellness business all over again but this time with passion and focus.
Now I feel different about how I look at my business. I know I need to start with small and achievable goals, work hard, celebrate them and move onto the next small and achievable goal. Instead of thinking too big and not getting anywhere.
It is still a bumpy road with many people close to me who have doubts and do not understand why I want to do what I’m set out to do and because of my last couple of months I feel these doubts and fears any time people say anything negative about my choices. So my one goal is to stop listening to other people. This is my life and not theirs.
I have to change the way I think. I need to stay I know I’m going to succeed. I know I’m going to make it. Why?! This is my passion and my life. No other person can say that what I am doing is wrong or I’m living life against the rules. I am going to make my own life my own way while teaching others they can too.
I see that it is time to work hard and play harder because this is what makes me happy.
-Loving more-
The last step to my recovery is to love others more. A part of me wants to be loved and told that I am beautiful but until I love people this way I do not think I would accept it if I was told first.
Love is the most important part of my existence. Love makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me feel truly alive. So in order to get my happiness back I’ve had to love more. I try to tell my boyfriend I love him the minute I feel it. I tell my parents almost every day. I tell my best friends. I try to show it to people who are not in my daily life but who have made an impression on me in some way or another.
I’ll write e-mails to certain people sharing why I am grateful for them. I’ll send the odd text of mushiness. I’ll make photo videos for my friends. I’ll write out a cheesy facebook status about the people in my life.
In sharing my love to others I feel happy.
The past three months I’ve seen the best in life and the worst. This is my first time truly talking about it and I hope it helps others to know that if you are down there are ways to get back up. Even when you cannot see the light it is still there. I did not go to counselling but I always promote it. I know the importance of talking about depression. I am lucky to have the most amazing parents who I trust and who I tell everything too and I had them at this moment in my life I needed them but maybe you do not feeling comfortable talking to family. I always suggest finding someone who you can open up to.
I still have more steps to happiness. I want to live life with more intention. I want my career to become my way of life. I still have room to love more then I can focus on loving me. I have to start exercising. I don’t move my body like I used to so I am on the quest to find a great gym and new forms of cardio. I want to experience new things in life so I can appreciate it more.
I’ve started with the little things to find my happiness and now I can focus on the big things.
Wishing you the best day,
All my love
L.
Other quick small tips
- Make a gratitude board on Pinterest (Post pictures of anything that makes you smile and love life more {check out my Pinterest for ideas http://www.pinterest.com/dancinglilib/})
- Take walks outside (Spend more time in fresh air)
- Coffee dates with friends (being more social)
- Change your room/home around and keep it clean (no clutter)
- Read more (The power of Habit by Charles Duhigg is my book right now)
- Take pictures (Some of my friends hate it when I become the paparazzi but now I have many pictures to look back on to visually see days when I was happy and why)
- Spend time with animals, kids, grandparents, babies (See life through others)
- Spoil yourself (buy a new shirt or stationary.. whatever makes you smile)
- Plan an exciting weekend away (Don’t let life keep you in town… go explore)
- Eat healthy and eat badly! (enjoy a coffee when you have it or yummy broccoli)
- HUG SOMEONE EVERY DAY (I am so lucky to live with two amazing huggers. Hugging feels great)
